As I sat in my chair this morning, beside the window, with the sun streming across the room.....(I do other things than just sit in chairs but we will get to that another day)..my mind kept drifting into confusing thoughts between my life in the here... all I have been doing and feeling for twenty years...and thoughts of my life in the after...that unknown journey that is ahead of me.

In the here (my last twenty years of life that I loved, embraced, and eagerly tackled), I had everything that I wanted. I never wanted the large house with the six bathrooms (too much to clean), or the big fancy SUV(I would never be able to afford gas or the insurance). I never wanted to have a size 0 figure(never had that and never will have that), or a beautifully bronze body (you won't find me lying nude in one of those cancer coffins).

Instead, I always wanted things I found in other people and that impressed me. I wanted to be as loving as my Mom and Dad, as repected and giving as my husband, as self-less as big sis, as talented as my other big sis, as bright as my baby sis, and as sincere as my best friend Betty. But secretly, the more I mothered and then homeschooled, the more I found myself wanting to be needed and used! As, a christian, oh yes, I wanted to be deep and spiritual and loving and giving but needed and used, that became slowly ingrained into me. That is what I wanted and had in my here but after about the after?!

That is what is so confusing! Using the limited sight distance that I have to see into the after, all I see is a quiet, still, isolated, and lonely life. Who will need me and how am I going to be used? Please don't worry...i'm not sitting in my chair tying a slipknot onto the end of a noose. But, the feelings that come to me are like that of driving a car and coming to a sharp curve. The curve you come to is so sharp that it is disconcerning because you can not see around the bend. You tend to focus on it's sharpness , when in fact, if you could see around the bend you could see that the road straightens out and then it's smooth sailing. All the quiet, the loneliness, the feeling of not being needed is the apprehension of seeing the sharp curve ahead but not being able to see around it.

A scripture that I memorized long ago tells me how I need to try and view not just this, but all the sharp curves and bends of life. "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Philippians 4:12. I will hold this scripture close and read between the lines. The secret is that everything comes from God and I need to be content because he is the engineer that designed the road.What if during the forced quiet and stillness God has a chance to work in me a depth of spirituality I have yet to know! What if during this temporary loneliness He fills me to overflowing and that brings us even closer than ever! What if my God and King has another mission in mind that He personally needs me for(just as important as the mission field of homeschool mom), and knowing my servants heart is going to call me up for the job! You know, all of a sudden, the curve in the road doesn't look so sharp and I think I caught a glimpse of the road around the bend. Thank you for being the engineer on all my roads and softening the curves in the here and after.