Ah, " the chair"...A man and woman from a satellite company came to my house to install my dream appliance...TIVO! They were very friendly and very southern (from Mississippi). While they were working on the installation, we chatted with one another as most southerns do about our children, the economy, and the weather.
Being of no help to them, at all, I decided to sit down in "the chair" to continue our conversation. Very politely the man said, "Hey, that's a really nice chair". It is, in fact, an upholstered recliner and quite nice if I do say so myself. Without hesitation I cheerfully responded with, "it's my dead aunt's." Caught by surprise and not sure of what to say then, the woman took matters into her own hands, probably to salvage the easy going conversation we were having. She cheerfully said,"I love that throw blanket on the arm of the chair...have you had it long?" "About ten years," I replied,"it belonged to my deceased mother -in-law".
My TIVO was installed in record time and my installers (who I had found out were married to one another), didn't offer much conversation for the rest of the installation. I found out later, due to technical difficulties, from a new installer, that my couple had a change in career choices. They left the satellite installation job, moved back to Mississippi and started working for Wal-Mart. Could it have been something I said?!
About "the chair"...It is not only about the chair but the beautiful throw that stays with the chair. I had an aunt, well she really was not a blood aunt but as close as one can get. Aunt Grace or Auntie as we called her and Unc moved here from California so my mom and dad could take care of them in their senior years. You see Auntie and Unc had no children of their own but during my dad's first tour to Viet-Nam when he had to leave a wife and five children behind, they became a lifeline for my mom and acted as grandparents to us children. Our own grandparents lived in Canada and were very far away. The connection stayed and grew even as we traveled the world and they stayed in California. That connection is why my parents wanted them here with us.
During their life here there were many changes in our family dynamics...mom and daddy moved to Sparta, Ga., some 70 miles away, and I was at home with my children homeschooling them. Both my sisters had busy lives, one with children in private school which kept her busy and one with a full-time career. The third sister lives in California and she was totally out of the mix. Auntie and Unc had alot of doctor's appointments and for a season it was my duty to get them to those appointments (I was needed!).
To make a long story short, those times stretched me then, but now that Auntie and Unc have passed away, I know how blessed I was for the time with them for me and my children. The children went to all appointments and the grocery store runs and to Burger King for whoppers since they were not at school. I was not left with only great memories of my time with Auntie, but after she passed away was given, by dad, her chair. That is what we lovingly refer to it as "the chair". I sit in it and in a comforting way feel close to her.
And the "throw"...my mother-in-law, who we always call grandma, became sick. She was hospitalized and fought hard. This was during the time my own parents were in Sparta, Ga. Before she got sick she really became a mother to me and also a deeply treasured and admired friend. She loved my children with all her heart and her son could do no wrong. She lived less than two miles from us and because of homeschooling the children we saw her everyday or close to it.
During her six week stay in the hospital, she became very depresed. After speaking with the nurse, my children, husband and I went shopping for something to cheer her up. When we came upon this beautiful throw, everyone thought it the very best moral booster. She could keep it around her always and think of her grandbabies and loving son. The night we took it to her she was overwhelmed with thanks and promised her babies that she would never remove it from the bed. That was the last visit grandma had with the children. We decided not to take them back to the hospital after that and she passed away a couple of weeks later. We took her throw with us at the end of that last day.
I cannot have grandma or auntie back but I have "the chair" and the "throw". Everyday I visit with them for a time and I feel close to them even though they are gone from this world. I do not mind that I am misunderstood and I suspect they probably know and it gives them a chuckle. I will forever, though, sit in "the chair" covered by grandma's throw and ponder the here and after. In loving memory of Auntie, Unc and Grandma Barnes
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Friday, July 29, 2005
As I sat in my chair this morning, beside the window, with the sun streming across the room.....(I do other things than just sit in chairs but we will get to that another day)..my mind kept drifting into confusing thoughts between my life in the here... all I have been doing and feeling for twenty years...and thoughts of my life in the after...that unknown journey that is ahead of me.
In the here (my last twenty years of life that I loved, embraced, and eagerly tackled), I had everything that I wanted. I never wanted the large house with the six bathrooms (too much to clean), or the big fancy SUV(I would never be able to afford gas or the insurance). I never wanted to have a size 0 figure(never had that and never will have that), or a beautifully bronze body (you won't find me lying nude in one of those cancer coffins).
Instead, I always wanted things I found in other people and that impressed me. I wanted to be as loving as my Mom and Dad, as repected and giving as my husband, as self-less as big sis, as talented as my other big sis, as bright as my baby sis, and as sincere as my best friend Betty. But secretly, the more I mothered and then homeschooled, the more I found myself wanting to be needed and used! As, a christian, oh yes, I wanted to be deep and spiritual and loving and giving but needed and used, that became slowly ingrained into me. That is what I wanted and had in my here but after about the after?!
That is what is so confusing! Using the limited sight distance that I have to see into the after, all I see is a quiet, still, isolated, and lonely life. Who will need me and how am I going to be used? Please don't worry...i'm not sitting in my chair tying a slipknot onto the end of a noose. But, the feelings that come to me are like that of driving a car and coming to a sharp curve. The curve you come to is so sharp that it is disconcerning because you can not see around the bend. You tend to focus on it's sharpness , when in fact, if you could see around the bend you could see that the road straightens out and then it's smooth sailing. All the quiet, the loneliness, the feeling of not being needed is the apprehension of seeing the sharp curve ahead but not being able to see around it.
A scripture that I memorized long ago tells me how I need to try and view not just this, but all the sharp curves and bends of life. "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Philippians 4:12. I will hold this scripture close and read between the lines. The secret is that everything comes from God and I need to be content because he is the engineer that designed the road.What if during the forced quiet and stillness God has a chance to work in me a depth of spirituality I have yet to know! What if during this temporary loneliness He fills me to overflowing and that brings us even closer than ever! What if my God and King has another mission in mind that He personally needs me for(just as important as the mission field of homeschool mom), and knowing my servants heart is going to call me up for the job! You know, all of a sudden, the curve in the road doesn't look so sharp and I think I caught a glimpse of the road around the bend. Thank you for being the engineer on all my roads and softening the curves in the here and after.
In the here (my last twenty years of life that I loved, embraced, and eagerly tackled), I had everything that I wanted. I never wanted the large house with the six bathrooms (too much to clean), or the big fancy SUV(I would never be able to afford gas or the insurance). I never wanted to have a size 0 figure(never had that and never will have that), or a beautifully bronze body (you won't find me lying nude in one of those cancer coffins).
Instead, I always wanted things I found in other people and that impressed me. I wanted to be as loving as my Mom and Dad, as repected and giving as my husband, as self-less as big sis, as talented as my other big sis, as bright as my baby sis, and as sincere as my best friend Betty. But secretly, the more I mothered and then homeschooled, the more I found myself wanting to be needed and used! As, a christian, oh yes, I wanted to be deep and spiritual and loving and giving but needed and used, that became slowly ingrained into me. That is what I wanted and had in my here but after about the after?!
That is what is so confusing! Using the limited sight distance that I have to see into the after, all I see is a quiet, still, isolated, and lonely life. Who will need me and how am I going to be used? Please don't worry...i'm not sitting in my chair tying a slipknot onto the end of a noose. But, the feelings that come to me are like that of driving a car and coming to a sharp curve. The curve you come to is so sharp that it is disconcerning because you can not see around the bend. You tend to focus on it's sharpness , when in fact, if you could see around the bend you could see that the road straightens out and then it's smooth sailing. All the quiet, the loneliness, the feeling of not being needed is the apprehension of seeing the sharp curve ahead but not being able to see around it.
A scripture that I memorized long ago tells me how I need to try and view not just this, but all the sharp curves and bends of life. "I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Philippians 4:12. I will hold this scripture close and read between the lines. The secret is that everything comes from God and I need to be content because he is the engineer that designed the road.What if during the forced quiet and stillness God has a chance to work in me a depth of spirituality I have yet to know! What if during this temporary loneliness He fills me to overflowing and that brings us even closer than ever! What if my God and King has another mission in mind that He personally needs me for(just as important as the mission field of homeschool mom), and knowing my servants heart is going to call me up for the job! You know, all of a sudden, the curve in the road doesn't look so sharp and I think I caught a glimpse of the road around the bend. Thank you for being the engineer on all my roads and softening the curves in the here and after.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Well, the sun streamed into my window this morning! Today will be another day that will bring new challenges and hopefully a growth in faith. My children, after twenty some years of being home (I homeschooled them all these years), are off to new adventures and experiences. I am so blessed and grateful that my children are normal, happy, and well adjusted, but where does that leave me? For all of my adult life, I knew where I was going, and that what I was doing had so much meaning. That was here but what in my life has meaning after?
As, I sat in my favorite chair looking out my window, I had to let out a giggle recalling the events of yesterday. I stepped out of my "comfort zone" and got me a blog! I was so excited and if I am honest, so proud, that I immediately called my baby sister. After several tries, I had to face the fact that she was not home. An answering machine would not stop me from receiving a big pat on the back. So I put in a call to to one of my big sisters. Great, she was home! She answered. I could hardly contain myself and politely asked what she was doing, knowing nothing could be more important than her seeing my blog. When I inquired innocently what she was doing, I was informed she was washing her little dog. Washing the dog!...not high on my list of priorities. I hinted to her several times about my blog and finally asked if she could sit down at the computer while the dog was drying and look my blog up. After, several attempts at giving her the blog address (dyslexia seemed to be playing a part) the page appeared before her eyes, like a blind man seeing for the first time. I held my breath as I waited for the marching band to start playing in approval for what I had done. I breathlessly asked what she thought...Confident that she would reinforce my thoughts that I was headed for a Pulitzer prize. The next thing I remember is her voice saying, "here, there, after...it's kind of confusing". She did think my blog was neat, but by that time I knew there was not going to be any confetti, balloons, marching band and, for sure, no Pulitzer prize.
First of all, our measure of who and what we are in life has to come from being a child of God. That is why we are here. He decided to give us life for His glory and to build His kingdom. Somewhere along the way we get twisted around into forgetting that and wanting to be important and stand out to someone...everyone! In a perfect Christian walk the first arms we run to would be God's. That is not always so easy. We want to hear the sound of a sister's voice giving us approval, we want to feel the loving arms of our earthly father tight and strong around us, we look to our girl friends to seek our advice and then use it, and want your husbands to look into our eyes the way they did twenty-five years ago. I don't see that happening!! That does not mean we are not respected, loved or even treasured, but humans fail us.
In the book of Hebrews it tells us that "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see...by faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible."11:1-3. In the after, I have to hang onto faith, trusting that I can find meaningand purpose between the here and after. With these verses in hand, I am going to lay my head on my pillow tonight, with sweet thoughts of my two sisters and the hope that when the sun comes streaming through my window tomorrow morning that somehow between the here and after that my faith will be strengthened.
As, I sat in my favorite chair looking out my window, I had to let out a giggle recalling the events of yesterday. I stepped out of my "comfort zone" and got me a blog! I was so excited and if I am honest, so proud, that I immediately called my baby sister. After several tries, I had to face the fact that she was not home. An answering machine would not stop me from receiving a big pat on the back. So I put in a call to to one of my big sisters. Great, she was home! She answered. I could hardly contain myself and politely asked what she was doing, knowing nothing could be more important than her seeing my blog. When I inquired innocently what she was doing, I was informed she was washing her little dog. Washing the dog!...not high on my list of priorities. I hinted to her several times about my blog and finally asked if she could sit down at the computer while the dog was drying and look my blog up. After, several attempts at giving her the blog address (dyslexia seemed to be playing a part) the page appeared before her eyes, like a blind man seeing for the first time. I held my breath as I waited for the marching band to start playing in approval for what I had done. I breathlessly asked what she thought...Confident that she would reinforce my thoughts that I was headed for a Pulitzer prize. The next thing I remember is her voice saying, "here, there, after...it's kind of confusing". She did think my blog was neat, but by that time I knew there was not going to be any confetti, balloons, marching band and, for sure, no Pulitzer prize.
First of all, our measure of who and what we are in life has to come from being a child of God. That is why we are here. He decided to give us life for His glory and to build His kingdom. Somewhere along the way we get twisted around into forgetting that and wanting to be important and stand out to someone...everyone! In a perfect Christian walk the first arms we run to would be God's. That is not always so easy. We want to hear the sound of a sister's voice giving us approval, we want to feel the loving arms of our earthly father tight and strong around us, we look to our girl friends to seek our advice and then use it, and want your husbands to look into our eyes the way they did twenty-five years ago. I don't see that happening!! That does not mean we are not respected, loved or even treasured, but humans fail us.
In the book of Hebrews it tells us that "faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see...by faith we understand that the universe was formed at God's command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible."11:1-3. In the after, I have to hang onto faith, trusting that I can find meaningand purpose between the here and after. With these verses in hand, I am going to lay my head on my pillow tonight, with sweet thoughts of my two sisters and the hope that when the sun comes streaming through my window tomorrow morning that somehow between the here and after that my faith will be strengthened.
Monday, July 25, 2005
Just starting!! Just starting in more ways than one. I am here, now ,after twenty years of homeschooling my children, knowing what my life was about and knowing where it was going. But, what I did not know and at least did not have a realisic view of, was what it would be like in the after. I was there, in a place that was everything my heart and soul yearned for. Now, I am here and not quite sure what that means and it is definetly not what my heart and soul yearns for. My saving grace is being able to repeat over and over again to myself, FAITH.. HOPE. TRUST..Trust in the promises that God has given me all my life, hope in each new morning when the sun streams brightly through my window, and faith in a God who loves me and knows so much more than I.
It is a scary journey to be taken out of everything you have always known and completely and entirely loved. It is a loss, a setback, but also a challenge to grow and develop and conquer. Am I up to the challenge? As the sun came streaming into my window this morning ,while sitting in my favorite chair reading my bible and hearing God's voice encouraging me, I know all things are possible through HIM who loves me. Yes, I exclaimed to myself! I am up to the challenge. Where, I am not quite so sure of. How, will have to be by HIS grace and down HIS path. Join us, we will be glad to have you.
It is a scary journey to be taken out of everything you have always known and completely and entirely loved. It is a loss, a setback, but also a challenge to grow and develop and conquer. Am I up to the challenge? As the sun came streaming into my window this morning ,while sitting in my favorite chair reading my bible and hearing God's voice encouraging me, I know all things are possible through HIM who loves me. Yes, I exclaimed to myself! I am up to the challenge. Where, I am not quite so sure of. How, will have to be by HIS grace and down HIS path. Join us, we will be glad to have you.
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